Category: <span>Featured</span>

This article is originally appeared on The Deaf Geeky Guy blog and is written by Todd Fonder.

A wise man once said “If you wear your hearing aids, embrace them. Be appreciative for them and thankful for the gift of hearing that they give you, but don’t let them define you.”

That wise man is none other than comedian DJ Demers, who currently is performing on the Here To Hear Tour sponsored by Phonak.

And he’s right about those words. I embrace my hearing aid as well. In fact, in just about every selfie that I take of myself such as the one above, I usually have my camera on my right side of my face when taking the picture so it shows my hearing aid in my right ear. I wear my one hearing aid in that ear. The left ear is pretty much totally shot. I’m proud to show off my hearing aid in my selfies.

But there was a time when I used to be self-conscious about it. Particularly in high school when I moved to a new town and started at a new school. Everyone was new to me back then. Then later on in my young adult years before I met my ex-wife. I would go out to the bars and actually remove my hearing aid before meeting someone. The bar would have loud music playing, so I wouldn’t be able to hear the person that I’m talking to anyways. I would depend on reading lips and try and decipher what the person is saying as reading lips is not an exact science.

I would remove my hearing aid in those days because if someone sees me wearing my hearing aid, they’ll go, “I’m sorry.” and walk away without even giving me a chance to introduce myself. I used to be upset about that, so I would remove my hearing aid before meeting someone new and give people a chance to know me before they know I’m deaf.

Today, when I meet someone new and they see my hearing aid, they would do the “I’m sorry” bit and walk away, I don’t let it bother me anymore. I like to say it is that person’s loss if he or she does not want to get to know me and realize how awesome I am 

The point that I’m making today is – to all my deaf readers that are reading this post, don’t let your deafness get in the way of living your life. If you wear hearing aids, embrace them. There’s no reason to be self-conscious about your hearing aids. In fact, flaunt them by decorating your hearing aids if you want 

Don’t let judgemental hearing people get to you. Stay positive and try to make them aware that being deaf is not necessarily a bad thing.

I also wanted to give a big shout out to DJ Demers for doing this awesome video which was the inspiration for this article. Much thanks, man.

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Todd Fonder is a simple 51-year-old deaf guy from Northeast Wisconsin and Upper Michigan. His blog, The Deaf Geeky Guy, is about anything on his mind, but focuses on deaf advocacy and the deaf culture. Follow him on his Facebook page  or support his work by buying me him a “coffee.”

As an adult newly diagnosed with hearing loss, I knew I would be able to count on the full and complete support of my family. What I didn’t anticipate was the way the news about my hearing loss, and subsequent reality, would affect my children.

When I was first diagnosed with hearing loss, my family’s initial reaction was mild amusement. I received a lot of those, ‘I told you so’ comments, but the overall feeling was one of optimism.

When I came home with two hearing aids, the reaction was somewhat different.

I have three children and their ages range from young teen to adult. Each reacted differently to what they viewed as the “new me.” Physically I hadn’t changed – in fact my hearing aids, unless you look closely, are basically invisible –  but something had.

Introducing my hearing aids to my children

My kids didn’t have to see my hearing aids, they know they were there and because of this fact, I was different. My youngest struggled with the new revelation the hardest. She took to either shouting at me or else whispering as quietly as possible. She also, accidentally on purpose, would hit them when giving me a hug or a kiss goodnight, knowing full well that not only was this a painful experience for daddy, but also a hazardous one for the hearing aids.

I sat her down and explained my hearing aids to her. I showed her the aids and how they worked, in a general sense. During these times it was sweetness and light. Until the next time I came in close proximity to her, then all bets would be off and the same behaviour would be exhibited once again.

Now, we are very close as a family and greatly value hugs, kisses and affection. But something had definitely changed. The hearing aids, my hearing aids had somehow caused a new dynamic to be instigated. I was at a complete loss. Asking politely did no good. Telling off proved worthless, as she would only say that she had forgotten.

“The hearing aids, my hearing aids had somehow caused a new dynamic to be instigated.”

In the end, it was time that altered her reactive behaviour. I couldn’t tell you when it changed, what day, not even month. I am just aware that things between us are back to normal, unless you count the fact, that my hearing loss is her number one go-to excuse.

“I told Daddy, but he mustn’t have heard me,” or “It’s not my fault you have hearing loss and I’m not being mean.”

My middle daughter who is at college and is very helpful around the house and is generally the first to help out, when it’s one of those family crises, which require ‘all hands on deck,’ exhibited a need to ignore the new super-improved Daddy. She was just as loving and helpful but steered clear of any mention of those things in my ears.

Once again, this took time to pass, maybe weeks or a month or two, but pass it did. These days she is back to her old self and includes my hearing loss in good-natured humorous anecdotes because trust me, I might have a great pair of hearing aids, but I still mishear plenty of things and this causes a lot of good-natured fun in our house.

Now, with my eldest child, who is an adult and at university, the change in behaviour was minimal. He showed signs of concern, but once he became aware that having the aids was a good thing, relaxed and went back to treating me simply as Dad. His adjustment period was probably a matter of days. Unlike his sisters, who both took considerably longer to come to terms with the new adjustment.

“He showed signs of concern, but once he became aware that having the aids was a good thing, relaxed and went back to treating me simply as Dad.”

Being a Dad with hearing aids

When I realized my children acted differently to me as a “dad with hearing aids,” I was completely confused and felt hurt. I mean, how could my own children not see that I was the one in need of support? It made no sense to me. It wasn’t until I really thought things through and began to ask myself some serious questions that things began to fall into place.

I knew that my relationship with my children was solid and based on love, as we really were and indeed are a close-knit family. So, I knew it wasn’t our relationship that was at fault, so what was it? To truly understand, I had to turn my attention inward, on myself.

When I first discovered that I had hearing loss, it was a blow. I felt somehow that I was less than I was before. It made me feel immensely vulnerable, not to mention angry. I realised that the feelings and issues I was going through were nothing short of grieving for the loss of my hearing. It sounds foolish, but nevertheless, it is a recognised part of the condition of hearing loss, that following diagnosis, there is often a bereavement period with all of its associated grief issues.

Once I saw these feelings and emotions for what they were, it struck me that my family must also be experiencing something akin to the grief I was now having to deal with. When I thought about it, they were even exhibiting classics symptoms of the grieving process. There really was no difference at the heart of things, merely differences in how each of us dealt with our feelings.

I tended to make a joke of everything. In fact, I was so light-hearted during my initial diagnosis that my audiologist pulled me up about it, in a very nice and gentle manner. But she did insist that I was to take the news seriously, as it was something which was going to change my life. I had a lifelong habit of making jokes to cover moments of uncomfortable emotion.

Once I was aware of why my children were acting so out of character, it was easy to cut them some slack. I made a point of not talking endlessly about my deafness or my hearing aids and instead tried to focus on being as much of my old self as was possible at the time. This worked, because as I became less stressed about the whole situation, so too did my kids.
The change as I mentioned earlier was very subtle, so subtle in fact, that I have no idea when things returned to normal, but return they did. Any of us who have ever experienced bereavement and the associated feelings of loss that go with it will understand that at first, you feel as if nothing will ever be the same again. There is an expectation that life cannot go on. A feeling of hopelessness prevents us from the understanding that time has an amazing healing quality.

“I made a point of not talking endlessly about my deafness or my hearing aids and instead tried to focus on being as much of my old self as was possible at the time.”

So you see, it wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do, that changed the minds and emotions of my children, it was simply the passage of time and the deeper unconscious understanding that our family foundation was still a solid one. That we had weathered another of those family storms, which arrive unexpectedly from time to time.

My advice on being a “dad with hearing aids”

My advice to you, should you find yourself in the same or similar situation, concerning your own recent diagnosis of hearing loss, is really quite simple. Be kind to yourself and to those around you. Try to remember that it isn’t termed hearing loss without reason. Bear in mind that bereavement and the sense of grieving is something felt by all of those who care and that each person, regardless of age will experience this process in their own way.

“Be kind to yourself and to those around you.”

We are all unique individuals and it is only by remembering this fact, that we can allow others to truly be themselves. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t sit down with relatives and friends and explain your hearing loss, because of course this is a good idea. What in my personal opinion and experience tells me not to do, is to make too big an issue out of it. The more you call attention to the change, the more others are made aware of the difference in who they are scared you have now become.

Yes, there are changes, but facing them with optimism will get you through the early stages of confusion and bring you to better days. I went through the five stages of grief, from initial denial that anything was wrong with my hearing, to anger. I remember being so angry, it wasn’t fair, why me? Yes, even bargaining. I recall thinking that if only my hearing would come back, I wouldn’t take it for granted again.

This gave into depression. I still can clearly remember not wanting to speak on the phone or go out, because I couldn’t hear properly. First, it was because I had been diagnosed, but was waiting for my hearing aids and then it was because of the hearing aids making the world sound so different. As in classic grief, next came acceptance. I began to see that my life was good since being given my hearing aids.

These days I’m happier than I was before my diagnosis. Why? Well, I think it was because of the fact that I had been struggling to hear for so many years and all that time denying it.

“These days I’m happier than I was before my diagnosis.”

Having a diagnosis, being given hearing aids and knowing that I have hearing loss, for me has been a huge positive in my life. The knowledge of being deaf has given strength to me and this is something which I honestly hope is contagious because I would very much like the knowledge that every other person with hearing loss could feel as good as I do.

At the beginning, I fought tooth and nail against being one of those people who wore hearing aids. I realised that all of my stress and anxiety had been caused by the fact that I was trying so very hard to fit into the hearing world.

This all changed after I went through having my hearing loss diagnosed. I adjusted to my hearing aids and became a part of the deaf and hard of hearing community. 

Officially finding out about your hearing loss

Officially receiving a hearing loss diagnosis is very different to being aware that you are hard of hearing. Our friends and relations often tell us that we could do with having a hearing test. And yet it is only once we take the plunge and take a test, that we make things official.

You see, before the test it’s all too easy to fool yourself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, you’re having an off day and that tomorrow will be a much better one. You tell yourself that everyone has hearing problems in a modern noisy society. And of course there is always that old standby, the, ‘what if it’s just a minor complaint, some ear infection that’ll clear up in a day or two.’

“You see, before the test it’s all too easy to fool yourself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, you’re having an off day and that tomorrow will be a much better one.”

As you can see from my observations above, I have a rather healthy imagination, but most people do. Especially if they’re over the age of 50. Let’s face it, we often get just a little settled in our ways. We know who we are, and what we do and do not like. And many of us, males in particular, don’t like making a fuss. Unless it’s man-flu of course.

Being told that I have hearing loss, was really no different than any other big change. It came as a shock, despite knowing I had a problem at the back of my mind. As a change, it was most unwelcome. I fought it, went through the five stages of grief. Trust me, hearing loss is no different to you in an emotional sense than a bereavement.

“…hearing loss is no different to you in an emotional sense than a bereavement.”

We call it a ‘loss’ with good reason.

Jumping to negative conclusions about my hearing aid lifestyle

 Before my official hearing loss diagnosis and receiving my Phonak hearing aids, I was leading an active life. No, I was not leaping out of aircraft or performing Hollywood stunts. I was not even attempting Pilates, which looks every bit as dangerous as stunt work. But, active, I was. I walked most days and belonged to the local health club. I went swimming three times a week, used the gym and enjoyed saunas and steam baths.

Having a pair of hearing aids appeared to me to be something of a double-edged sword. Yes, I had been given a hearing boost, though it wasn’t like I had imagined. Yes, I had expected to have my hearing magically restored. The reality was somewhat different and was taking me time to get used to, but I knew it would seriously impact my life.

I knew this fact because my audiologist had told me so. She had explained my hearing loss and the fact that it wouldn’t improve. In my case there was a good chance that it would get worse over time. I honestly don’t know what was going through my head in those early stages, but I’m inclined to think that it was very cartoon like with old quivering gentlemen holding up ear trumpets and shouting out “I beg your pardon?”

Read more: New to hearing loss? 3 ways to be an advocate for your hearing loss journey

I do remember very clearly sitting in my chair and thinking that my life was about to change. And not for the better. At that time I assumed that I would never be able to go to the gym again or go swimming. I had hearing aids and because of these delicate little plastic things balancing behind my ears, life would be on a permanent go-slow.

My new life with hearing aids

Although it was hard adjusting to my hearing aids at first, I quickly learned how to insert them into my daily routine. In the early days it’s a bit tricky having to remember to remove them each time to have a shower or bath and if it’s raining hard. However, that said, it’s no different to, for example, wearing glasses. (Unless of course you happen to wear your spectacles in the bath or shower.) I know for a number of years I have taken off my glasses before a shower and now, I also take out my hearing aids. Just as easy. Once you’ve made it into a habit, it becomes just another routine part of your daily life.

One of my major worries was the way my behind the ear, BTE, hearing aids were fit. Looking at these tiny things, which reminded me of a little Bluetooth earpiece, it seemed to want to defy gravity. In my mind, were a million different scenarios of its demise: flying out of my ear, feeling uncomfortable, being distracting, embarrassing, or get lost or destroyed.

I mean, how could a tiny little rubber dome attached to a plastic tube ever survive? Just as we are always hearing that people often think of themselves as either a glass half full or glass half empty type, so my thinking had switched tracks. I’m by nature an eternal optimist and tend to always look for the sunny side of things… well except perhaps where life’s little challenges are concerned.

Okay, I’m not too fond of change. There I’ve said it.

So my point here, is that when faced with this new challenge, my reflex action made me view it as a negative lifestyle alteration and one that would threaten everything I held dear. Talk about mountains out of mole hills. The reality was life changing, but in a fantastic way. Let me explain my apparent moment of confusion.

First, wearing hearing aids is something that you get used to and a lot quicker than you’d expect. They are tiny and beautiful in my opinion, but don’t take their size to mean weak. In fact, they are tough little things, as long as you treat them well.

“They are tiny and beautiful in my opinion, but don’t take their size to mean weak. They are in fact tough little things, as long as you treat them well.”

If you have one or two BTE aids, they are not permanent fixtures, which means, that you can take them out whenever you feel the need.

I have never had one of my aids fall off or even move. Trust me, I’ve even shaken my head rather roughly just to check. I have had them knocked off my ear, but by either my glasses or a hugging child, waving their hands about. The hearing aid has remained perfectly fixed in my ear and has caused me no discomfort. I have just had to put it back in place behind the ear and carry on.

Spinning a negative attitude to a positive attitude

So, what was my big turning point?

It was learning the difference between Deaf and deaf.

Read more: What are the differences between d/Deaf and hard of hearing?

I became aware that being Deaf, with a capital D means being part of a rich and vibrant community, which doesn’t communicate verbally. For many people within the community, British Sign Language, BSL, in England and American Sign Language, ASL, in America are their native languages and these are signed. This was so interesting. Because I can tell you that coming from a hearing world, this information was certainly news to me.

Also, I learned that there was a choice, some people who wore hearing aids still considered themselves “hearing people with hearing loss,” while others embraced being deaf with a lowercase d. I realised that all of my stress and anxiety had been caused by the fact that I was trying so very hard to fit into the hearing world. Suddenly, I became aware that I am deaf and maybe I have been for at least 10 years, but just didn’t know the fact.

“I realised that all of my stress and anxiety had been caused by the fact that I was trying so very hard to fit into the hearing world. I suddenly became aware that I am deaf and maybe I have been for at least 10 years, but just didn’t know the fact.”

That one little four-letter word was all it took to turn me into a very happy and very confident person.

Fighting against being deaf was only fighting against my own nature. I instead embraced my deafness and discovered a world of joy, pleasure, and acceptance. I do everything I did before my diagnosis and so much more in addition. Not every day is bright with chirpy smiling people. No, it most certainly is not. But my optimism has returned and I now look for the best in things, yes, even in the challenges.

Being part of the deaf community

Discovering the deaf community has opened up many new areas to me. I am involved with two charities Action On Hearing Loss, who recently invited me to become a member of their research panel and Hearing Link, who I have offered my services to as a volunteer. Since my own local community is lacking in resources for D/deaf and people with hearing loss, I’m going to make a difference myself. If each of us did one small act, something to bring awareness to the hearing community, our world, because we all share it, would be a much better place.

My personal challenge to you, is to embrace your hearing loss, find out what it means to be deaf and trust me, it’s not about being disabled, because my deafness has enabled me in the most astounding ways.

“… embrace your hearing loss, find out what it means to be deaf and trust me, it’s not about being disabled, because my deafness has enabled me in the most astounding ways.”

Look to our community and beyond. Find out what’s going on, research for yourself. Visit d/Deaf charity websites and make yourself acquainted with who you are. Volunteer, if it appeals to you.

I was recently taking a course in Deaf Awareness and a video clip was shown from an American television show, called “Switched At Birth, The ASL episode”. During the excerpt, the teacher standing before a class of teen students made a simple statement. Those words, in my personal opinion, should be a slogan for each and every one of us, they were:

“Not hearing loss, deaf gain.”

We who experience hearing loss gain admission into areas of a beautiful community peopled with wise, witty and noble people filled with joy and optimism.

Come in and enjoy your own deaf gain.

Karen Putz isn’t shy about her hearing aids. Not only do they allow her to more fully participate in life, they also give the people she interacts with a visual cue that they need to accommodate her hearing loss. That, she says, can be really helpful.

1. Shorten the Gap

Have you ever asked your parents if they can hear the birds? Or if they are able to enjoy the tones in music like they used to?

I’ve been working in the hearing aid industry for a couple years now, but it wasn’t until recently that I had a conversation with my parents about hearing loss, and how it is truly affecting their life.

My siblings and I have joked about my dad’s poor hearing for years. I don’t remember if there was ever a point where it started, but rather – as it often is – it got gradually worse over time.

Losing his hearing

My dad loves music and has a record collection in the hundreds. Growing up, our home would radiate with melodies and beats, as vinyls, CDs and cassette tapes boomed through the speakers. These moments where we sang and danced in the living room have left me with some of my most fondest memories, and a resonating passion for ’70s folk and early ’90s grunge.

As we got older, there were many incidents that warned us that my dad couldn’t quite understand what was said. Like when we would introduce him to a new friend, named “Nancy,” and he would repeatedly call her “Karen,” or when he would make up lyrics to songs he hadn’t heard before.

We learned to never expect a response from him if we tried talking to him from the backseat of the car while he was driving.

Eventually, we grew accustomed to his ridiculous responses, which often made us ignite in gleeful laughter. To be honest, my dad’s regular misunderstandings fit him quite well. It became part of his personality.

“…my dad’s regular misunderstandings fit him quite well. It became part of his personality.”

As many people could say of their own, I claim my dad as one of the kindest, most selfless, and hardest working people I know. Since the day my twin sister and I were born he worked nights, weekends and holiday shifts at a paper factory in Indiana. We knew the warehouse as a place we could get free, glittery, sticky paper. For him, it was a place he could check into day after day, funding his simple life with three kids.

The routine of pressure, stress and labor would leave him exhausted at the end of each day, and the job evolving around heavy machinery would eventually play a huge impact in his health. In one instant, he lost part of his thumb in a machine accident. But it wasn’t until recently that we realized the slow damage his career has done on his hearing.

Hearing Loss among Blue Collar Workers

Of course, my dad is not alone, and many blue collar workers are exposed to loud noise on a daily basis.

“Studies show a strong association between occupational noise and noise induced hearing loss, an effect that increased with the duration and magnitude of the noise exposure,” according to The World Health Organization.

For example, the risk of hearing loss among “blue-collar” workers in construction jobs is 2-to 3.5 times greater than “white-collar” workers in other industries, according to the WHO.

Last year I had the privilege to travel with Hear the World Foundation to the Appalachian region of Kentucky, as a staff volunteer for Sonova. The rural town reminded me of the people back home and the communities that sprouted up around once-booming labor industries. In Appalachia’s case, it was the mining industry that ran the economy in the hallows, as employees were provided a comfortable salary to spend their days underground, in loud, dark and dangerous spaces.

Read more: Hear Appalachia: Reviving a Quiet Community

My colleagues and I were there to fit former miners with hearing aids. When I had the opportunity to talk to some of them, they told me that protecting their hearing was more of a matter between life and death. Wearing hearing protection meant that they wouldn’t be able to hear warning signs at work… like the ceiling caving in on them.

“Wearing hearing protection meant that they wouldn’t be able to hear warning signs at work… like the ceiling caving in on them.”

While I was on the volunteer trip I also had the opportunity to meet an audiologist named Bob DeNyse, who happened to have an office near my where my dad lives. We talked throughout the trip about his years as an audiologist, his work, his life and passions. I told him that when my dad was ready, I would love for him to take a look at his ears.

Getting a hearing test with an audiologist 

That day came a few weeks ago, as my dad, who is preparing for retirement, said he would like to get a proper hearing test so he could purchase hearing aids – if necessary – while he was still covered with his work insurance. He had hearing tests before at his work, but it would consist of someone coming to his office to do a quick check, followed by him walking away with an audiogram – which was as indecipherable to him as a Spanish Novela.

Read more: Understanding Your Audiogram

I suggested he make an appointment with Bob to get a proper hearing test, then I could help advise him on what hearing technology he would like best.

What happened after my dad’s visit with Bob is what made me really understand the importance of having an audiologist in one’s hearing loss diagnosis, and hope for success in returning to a full life of hearing.

A message from his audiologist

“As you suspected, (your dad) has a bilateral hearing loss, essentially symmetrical, predominately in the high frequencies, consistent with his history of working around loud machinery,” said Bob, in a long email sent to me a few days after the appointment.

“Subsequently, his perception of high frequency speech sounds is compromised.  And if you add the variable of him conversing with someone with a high frequency voice, such as yourself and probably your sister, he is going to miss a few sounds. (Ex. “Hey Dad …. are you thirsty?,” to which he may respond, “No, I think it is Wednesday…”) After reviewing the audiogram and discussing the recommendation, he is ready to use hearing aids….but, he says he may not use them until he “retires’ from his job. He could use them now, but that is between him and you all.”

“Ex. ‘Hey Dad … are you thirsty?,’ to which he may respond, ‘No, I think it’s Wednesday…’”

And all of the sudden, I got it.

My dad’s hearing loss really is affecting his life.

I shared the email with my mother and siblings before talking to my dad. We discussed the options and the severity, then I finally gave my dad a call.

Hope for better hearing

When I told my dad that his audiologist suggested he get hearing aids, he wasn’t thrilled, but he seemed open to the idea.

“I’ll never get my hearing back though, will I?” he asked. “They always told me my ear hairs were dead so my hearing won’t come back.”

“Well, hearing aids should allow you to hear most of the sounds that you haven’t been able to hear,” I said.

“Like the birds?!”

“You can’t hear the birds, dad!?” I asked, shocked I hadn’t known this fact.

“Well, maybe some of them if they’re really loud. What about music? Will I be able to hear music again!? I would love to be able to hear music like I used to!”

And that was it. I decided my dad has to get hearing aids.

“Will I be able to hear music again!? I would love to be able to hear music like I used to!”

My family, audiologist and I haven’t yet decided on what model hearing aids to get my dad, but we are thinking about Phonak’s rechargable hearing aids, especially because he has a hard time handling small things, like batteries, because of his thumb injury.

Honestly, the price is still looming over our heads, but now that I know how much hearing again could help my dad have a more enjoyable life, price doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

All that really matters is that he’s he able to enjoy life’s wonderful sounds as he used to.